this week’s Thought (singular)
my favourite universal experience is when you start to clean your room, and then find items from years ago that distract you. nostalgia comes for us all.
hi
a big part of growing up is, i think, being okay with uncertainty.
for the longest time, i’ve needed a schedule. i thrive on plans, and one hundred percent, non-negotiably, require a knowing of where i’ll be and what i’ll be doing a month, a year, five years from any given point of time. sure, i can go with the flow. but only so long as i know where the flow is going.
this sort of security and predictability of the future is possible early in life. obviously after 11th grade, i’m going to be in 12th. once i’m done with my 3rd semester, i’m definitely going to be in my 4th. clear timelines, evident structure - academic years and the lack of any major upheavals have shaped my life, and contributed to the quiet stability that the future has provided.
cut to now, where the horizon is an open, unplanned expanse. zero idea about what i’ll be up to a year from now, not an inkling of how i’ll be placed in the future. it’s absolute hell, the Not Knowing.
how am i supposed to mentally prepare for any potential emotional turmoil? what do i practice stressing about? this feels like i’m about enter a forest blindfolded. there could be wild animals, carnivorous plants, almost definitely dehydration - you name it. it’s the Not Knowing that’s terrifying, disconcerting, anxiety-inducing. where are the guarantees, man?
but somewhere in the middle of all this confusion, there’s a tiny bud of…relief? (forgive me, i can’t let go of the forest metaphor). in between all the, dare i say it, fear, there’s a sort of deep sigh of letting go.
i love structure. i worry that i’ve gotten a little too used to it. sure, i’d rather Know. but i’ve Known for so long, that maybe there could be something new, exciting, fun in the Not Knowing?
what if this forest, with all its wild animals and carnivorous plants and almost-definitely-dehydration, has a beautiful waterfall, some perfectly developed caves for shelter, the tastiest berries i’ve ever eaten? that’s the crux of it.
Not Knowing means you open yourself to possibility. to that little bitch called hope. there’s no need for hope when you know what’s going to happen, but in the face of uncertainty, it’s the only thing to hold onto.
i thought myself in circles for this one, and i think i arrived at a place that i can live in with a sort of precarious peace.
ps: happy belated deepavali!
English Recitation Competition
(“Come as you are…”), Rabindranath Tagore
Come as you are, tarry not over your toilet. If the wreath is not woven, who cares? If the wrist-chain has not been tied, leave it by. The sky is overcast with clouds; it is late. Come as you are, tarry not over your toilet.[Like the Japanese cherry blossoms wedded to the soil’s palm], Luther Hughes
I may have farmed a muck of our land, too, but Babe, no matter the season of fresh lavender and children playing in the hallway, no matter the bowls of leftover ramen mean with age, no matter the abysmal cycle of lists I conjure in this poem, no matter if every last owl has escaped—Lord, let them escape—the foul-fowl lust of humankind, no matter the huff I hang on your every word, I love you. You are where I belong.The Swan, Mary Oliver
Did you too see it, drifting, all night, on the black river? Did you see it in the morning, rising into the silvery air - An armful of white blossoms, A perfect commotion of silk and linen as it leaned into the bondage of its wings; a snowbank, a bank of lilies, Biting the air with its black beak? Did you hear it, fluting and whistling A shrill dark music - like the rain pelting the trees - like a waterfall Knifing down the black ledges? And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds - A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet Like black leaves, its wings Like the stretching light of the river? And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything? And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for? And have you changed your life?
A Poll!
Middle School Book Review
your regularly scheduled book recommendation has been temporarily halted. watch this space over the coming weeks so you don’t miss the next one!
find all shared books here.
A Picture!
The Good Side of the Internet
[this week’s collection of essays consist of some of the best pieces i’ve come across on the internet. the first four are incredibly personal, and superbly written. they’re on the longer side, but worth every second.]
How a Tourette’s Diagnosis Helped Me Understand Who I Am
I long resisted looking for the cause of my tics. Then I received a diagnosis that changed everything.
I Loved Bike Touring—Until I Got Paid to Do It
Seduced by the idea of turning my hobby into a paycheck, I led bike tours across the U.S. throughout my twenties. As I learned, some passion pursuits are best left pro bono.
The God Phone (tw: suicide)
What happens when ordinary people play God to strangers? Leora Smith explores the history of one of the oldest art installations at Burning Man and the conversations that unfold there.
‘Stay Away From Miller’ (tw: sexual abuse of minors)
A pioneering humanities program shaped a generation of students and brought acclaim to a public high school in Los Angeles. But beneath the excellence lurked a culture of abuse.
The introvert’s guide to actually enjoying a party
It’s all about managing your social battery.
this week’s Song
Rangapura Vihara by Agam (but originally by Muthuswami Dikshitar a really long time ago)
find all shared songs here.
thank you for reading, and see you next week <3
awesome blossom? awful…waffle? stop googling rhyming words? let me know!