well well well
look who it is
this week’s Thought (singular)
is somebody looking into some sort of tagging and tracking system for hairclips and hairbands. this could be big
a very warm welcome to all new readers. i love new readers so much that whenever i get an email about a new reader, i manifest that they remember to do their laundry on time. thank you for joining us. may you not be surprised at seeing an empty cupboard and subsequently realise with a growing horror that the laundry basket in the corner of your room looks very full. who put all those clothes there. i could have sworn i had another pair of pants.
a very warm welcome to old readers as well. may good sense continue to prevail.
hi
i’ve been busy trying to be less busy, which means i’ve been trying to find time to stop being busy, which means i’ve been trying to find the end of a never-ending list.
june got over two weeks ago, but i’ve been stuck in some sort of loop where time ceases to have meaning. a friend just told me that it’s been exactly a month since we arrived on this campus (at the time of writing this), but what is a month when you forget what you did in the morning by the time you go to bed at night?
i notice glimpses of joy when i manage to slow down. i have to keep reminding myself to slow down. i make it a point to scratch the cat’s ear and hear her purr before class. i pause for a moment at the top of the staircase to take a picture of the sky. i look forward to the ten minutes of extra sleep i manage to grab, an empty washroom, a light drizzle in the evening. a tetra pak of mixed fruit juice on my way to a session, and bread and butter for breakfast. sometimes these moments are nothing but a band-aid on a bullet wound, and sometimes they are an elixir.
i have begun to appreciate the mundanity of cleaning. i snatch a few minutes to tune out the noise, inside and outside, and lose myself in the low-stakes and routine-like process of stacking books, folding clothes, and filling water bottles. i revel in the freedom of curating my space, and of me being my only concern.
i try to force myself out of auto-pilot and be more present, regardless of how presence increases vulnerability. i try to honour my feelings as much as my thoughts, to listen to them more and to listen to them better. i try to resist the urge to begin the futile wait for myself to feel like myself again. i try to exist in liminality, and allow my body to float above the tide. i tell myself that as long as i am feeling, i am feeling like myself. that myself is whoever i happen to be at that moment.
the more new relationships i form, the more i learn about myself and how i have changed. i am making my peace with the discomfort of opening up, and the awkwardness that comes with pushing through the barriers. i defy the instinct to evaluate every conversation i have participated in on the basis of how normal i have come across to the other person, and i steadfastly keep the barbed wire of self-criticality away from my reach.
i am rediscovering the inherent delight of learning. of being taught a topic and being able to apply it, of practicing problems and getting better at concepts with time, at there being tangible measurements and structured goalposts for growth. it’s a welcome change of pace from the frenetic make-it-up-as-you-go-along-ness of early adulthood so far, an easier-to-handle way of grasping concepts than fumbling around in the dark and hoping somebody will point you towards the light switch. it is easier to handle a 20-mark quiz or a 7-minute presentation, than to figure out the best way to grieve a loss or to cultivate a home in every house you live in.
i am not sure when i will be able to write to you next. i hope it is soon. if it isn’t, i trust that you will wait.
ps: happy (third week of) july :D
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this week’s Song
Parasite Eve by Bring Me The Horizon
find all shared songs here.
thank you for reading, and see you next week <3