the prism disperses
i choose which side to see
this week’s Thought (singular)
why must i have a thought every week. please think for yourself.
a very warm welcome to all new readers. i love new readers so much that whenever i get an email about a new reader, i manifest that they have the attention span and background knowledge to focus on and learn in a 1.5hr class. thank you for joining us. may you not zone out or start drafting your beloved newsletter because you’ve given up on understanding what’s going on. what’s all this then.
a very warm welcome to old readers as well. may good sense continue to prevail.
Before We Begin
Thing I
last week, i had asked you how you stay warm emotionally and mentally in colder months, not really expecting any responses. imagine my surprise when i received messages with the most lovely answers. an idea slowly began to take shape. what if i got more answers? and put all those answers together? and made an entire thodi with that collation, with all of your contributions? now what if i make that a thing?
it is with great joy and excitement that i announce…
thodi together, or TT for short, is all about me and you and us. i ask you a question, you give me an answer, and we have a community edition of thodi.
this week’s question is about what spawned all of this -
tell me your tips and tricks on staying warm in the comments, by Substack messages, by email, on social media, over text, a carrier pigeon, a message in a bottle, a phone call - however and wherever we happen to be connected. it can be a picture, a word, a sentence, a whole essay, a photograph - any format you’d like. is there a particular song you turn to? a movie you ritually watch every winter? a blanket you bring out, or a tea you like to drink?
for instance, my answer is that i like to put on a sweater and socks, turn up the fan’s speed to maximum, leave my windows open, and fall sleep under the comforting weight of a heavy quilt.
i’m excited about your answers! let me know!
ps: big shoutout to my good friend for the stunning thodi together logo. find more of her branding and design work here.
Thing II
happy news! thodi’s sister publication,
just hit 100 subscribers yesterday! i love creating and curating, and it’s heartwarming to see the creation and curation be loved in turn. read the latest edition below.
hi
and, dare i say, hello.
this october edition is a bit wordier than usual. please bear with me. there are lots of pictures to keep you engaged if not. if you’re reading on mail, click on the ‘read more’ at the bottom to read the full post. onward!
the recoil from experiences from this month has lodged itself in parts of me that i can’t reach. for now, i’m letting it be. for now, i’m letting myself be. i realise that it has been a very long time since i could do that without feeling guilt for it, and it’s awkward all around. i find myself wishing there was a way out that wasn’t through, but then i think about what growth feels like, and how tearing seams are rarely gentle.
i read two lovely novels, and felt something that had been dislodged slot back into place with every night i nodded off with on open book in my hands. i had forgotten the absolutely delightful experience of being under a very cozy blanket with a good book at the end of a long day, and it was a beautiful reunion.
i find myself engaging with the ideas of perception, mediocrity, imposter syndrome, and insecurity (academic and otherwise) far more than i would like to these days. there is an ugly, nasal voice in my head that has had ample fuel over the last few months to get louder and crueller, and it’s an adjustment to reel in the free rein now. i have to stop echoing those wicked sentiments, as i seem to more frequently, and i must keep reminding myself to be kind to myself. i can simply be, and that is a marvellous thing.
i visited home. which is to say - i visited the city that i call home and stayed with my parents that i call home, but in a new house that i cannot yet call home. which is to say - i visited a pretty house, slept in a charming room with green walls, walked around an apartment that had grass and parking, but felt like a stranger. which is to say - i think home is a city, in that bangalore is home, and home is a people, in that my parents are home. which is finally to say - when i feel like a nomad, flitting between a hostel room and a house that doesn’t yet have my consciousness seeped into its foundations, home is not space so much as it is the feeling of familiarity, comfort, and security. home is not built so much as it is cultivated (as places, people, feelings, things, perhaps?).
i am practicing slowing down. it feels like something i used to know how to do a very long time ago and must work very hard to re-learn, but for at least a few minutes a day, i am trying to find the leaves that are bent a little different from the others on a tree. or a cloud that’s moving from one corner of a building to the other against the backdrop of a blue sky, slowly, slowly. i blink at the lizard that drops into my room for a quick visit every few days and try to communicate where the open window is, if it would like to exit please. i savour my tea - it might not always be very good, but it is hot and forces me to pause in my haste. i sit for long hours in the silent library and remember who i am outside of the constant rush, who i am when i am alone. i remember that i quite like that person, and it’s a refreshing re-realisation in this phase that feels suspiciously like putting something back together in a way it has never been before.
i am trying to think about my feelings less and to feel them more and to feel them more openly. i want to let them ooze out of the tips of my fingers instead of swirl endlessly inside my brain as i rationalise and justify and blame. i want to move them from my head to my heart, channel them outwards rather than trap them inside. the world is big, and my life is becoming delightfully curated, and i want to make some space for my feelings instead of creating a vacuum around me any time i feel.
i am looking for gentleness, softness, kindness - less thorns and more petals, less bud and more blooming. i am looking for stillness, like the serene watchfulness of the blinking frogs that come out after the rain. i am looking for curiosity and confidence, like the cats that enter classrooms in the middle of lectures and refuse to leave.
i am looking for a return to myself, knowing that the destination is not the same as it used to be, that it will keep changing, and that the beauty is in being uncertain about where the path winds.
ps: happy late deepavali, and happy november :D
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this week’s Song
Devil Like Me by Rainbow Kitten Surprise
find all shared songs here.
thank you for reading, and see you next week <3