so many feelings

such less processing power

Sep 30, 2023

this week’s Thought (singular)

there were so many, i could hardly keep count. at least ten

a very warm welcome to all new readers. i love new readers so much that whenever i get an email about a new reader, i manifest that they have some really nice watermelon juice. thank you for joining us. may you be surprised by a nice, juicy watermelon at home, delight at the fact that the mixer is clean and working, and enjoy a cool glass of juice just when you need it the most.

this week, we’re going to be indulging in some existential enquiry. if you have any answers (‘yes jahnavi’, ‘no jahnavi’, ‘obviously not jahnavi’), sub-questions (1a., 3(iv), etc.), or miscellaneous inputs (‘huh you might be onto something here’, ‘this is so smart and insightful i love this newsletter and i’m going to tell all my friends about it’), do feel free to let me know. i’ll be normal next week, i swear, but for now, here are some Big questions.

can you grow if all the space around you is packed with the way you’re already perceived? if there’s no room to reinvent, should you give it up and stay the same? what is the ‘same’? should you even care? what do you do if you feel so choked by the things you think you should be that you can’t figure out what you are and how much you need to grow until you don’t feel the need to figure it out anymore? does it matter?
is it normal to want to live on a deserted island for a few days? is it normal to want to move to a different continent where nobody will know you so you’ll have the area to grow without the suffocation of expectation and perception? what if you just want some time to decide what an ideal future looks like so you can wrap it up neatly and throw it in the trash so it doesn’t keep making a big stink every time you try to move on from it? does it matter?
how kind should you be to yourself and when does it start becoming a sickness? at what point does kindness begin to excuse cowardice? is it a kindness to push to the point of breaking? is it a kindness to acknowledge your own inadequacy? what even is ‘adequate’? does the voice in your head that reminds you of your inadequacy and your lack of kindness in the same breath ever shut up or does it just get drowned out by your rapid agreement with it? does it matter?
what is the standard you’re supposed to hold yourself to? should you hold yourself to a standard? what is the metric of measurement? is it the result or the effort or the recognition? is it just easier to do your best and call it a day? what is your ‘best’? is easier better? why is the struggle supposed to be better? what do you do if you’re tired to the bone and you can’t struggle anymore but you can’t stop holding yourself up to a standard and you also don’t know what your best is? does it matter?
are your early twenties really the worst? what can you do to ensure that your early twenties are the worst? what can you think now to make the rest of your life not-worse? can you force yourself to think something different than what you’re thinking or are you just burying thoughts under thoughts under thoughts? are you what you think or what you do? are you what you do or what you can do? does potential even exist? is it just something your eighth-grade class teacher wrote in your report card because you didn’t solve enough quadratic equations? does it matter?
how much of your loneliness is your fault? does calling yourself pathetic make the loneliness worse? is it a kindness to pretend you don’t feel the physical ache of loneliness? if you had some room to grow and were adequate and knew your best and could force your thoughts would your loneliness hurt more or less? does it matter?

ps: happy day! september’s

The Good Side of the Internet

came out just a few hours ago, full of all the amazing reads from the last month. read it here, and remember to subscribe!

Start writing today. Use the button below to create your Substack and connect your publication with thodi

Start a Substack

English Recitation Competition

After A While, Veronica A. Shoffstall (full poem here)

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

The Universe Continues to Expand at 6 a.m., Jo Brachman

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Standing under a faded sky, what you are feeling,
whatever you have tried not to feel, arrives.
You begin mourning like an ancient,
as if you remember a pre-dawn more star-filled.
Bright flash gone missing, the sky withers down
on all towns of the earth, their bodies of water
reflecting kitchens with people devoted
to explosions of their present moment.
Monstrous beauty escaping, the sky burns up
dropped edges of the trees. Gravity lets go
what you had hoped to keep. Your body numbs
as if you are the space in-between,
as if you have already gone.

SONG, Mamang Dai

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

The loyal cicada with folded wings
sings outside my window,
singing as if the silence is breaking his heart.

Take good care of my baby.
My baby forgets rooms and houses
and wanders freely, singing like a bird.

The Good Side of the Internet

… has been permanently shifted to The Good Side of the Internet. subscribe for many many links at the end of each month, and tell your friends about it :D