one day i'll have a normal relationship with work
today is not that day
this week’s Thought (singular)
don’t trust anything you feel after 2am. however! you can write what you feel in your handy little newsletter and distribute it so now they’re our feelings
a very warm welcome to all new readers. i love new readers so much that whenever i get an email about a new reader, i manifest that they go to bed on time tonight. thank you for joining us. may you be all tuckered out and under the covers by 11pm.
a very warm welcome to old readers as well. may good sense continue to prevail.
hi
before you proceed, if you could kindly imagine that it’s saturday or perhaps sunday, that would be great. i’ll give you a moment to adjust.
happy weekend! here’s what i’ve been dealing with.
it has been signalled to me by the universe once more that the correlation between effort and outcome is spurious at best. at what point do you decide that the foolishness and embarrassment of working hard with nothing to show for it isn’t justified anymore? i have begun to resign myself to this cruel predictability, and still, i can’t stop trying. putting in effort seems to make me the biggest idiot in the world, but giving up makes me the saddest idiot in the world. both are pathetic, but one is a better use of time.
old griefs have been resurfacing lately. or maybe i’m just picking at the scabs more these days. the prickle as it’s disturbed feels familiar, like i never really grew up. it feels like an old friend. i think about how to resolve this pain, how to ‘get over it’ so it never returns, and come up with a container too heavy to lift, never mind process. for now, the container goes back under the bed, along with the other familiar friendly monsters.
i have begun to retreat once more. this time, i tried to spot the line between solitude and loneliness, that tricky, blink-and-you’ll-miss it border. the good news is that i successfully kept track of where it was. the bad news is that i watched it pass by as i crossed the threshold, gave it a little wave. now i must prepare to climb back up the cliffside, even though it’s so very comfortable down here all alone.
i haven’t gotten the hint yet. i know that expectation more often than not leads to disappointment, but still, foolishly hopelessly incessantly, i continue to dream. on some days, this feels like a superpower. on others, it feels like a curse. always, it is exhausting. with nothing to reaffirm this belief every so often, i’m afraid it will die soon. i’m trying to keep a fire burning with no wood and too much wind.
jadedness is such an easy shield to slip on, such a smooth zip to pull up. the trouble is when somebody pays you a compliment and you realise that the shield doesn’t discriminate in what it keeps out. the trouble is when you remember how long it’s been since you truly believed that your friends love you, and suddenly, this shield has become stifling. i can’t do the zip all the way up to the neck. i won’t allow it.
i’m a child throwing a tantrum. everything around me attempts to force me into cynicism, declaring again and again and again that i’m only as good as my output, that skill without recognition is nothing, that i’m doomed to my eternal academic and general mediocrity. i’m stomping and flinging toys around—i don’t care how much my limbs hurt. i will tend to my wounds, i will be stubborn, and i will violently hope.
ps: happy three-days-to-go-for-valentine’s-day!
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this week’s Song
Afraid of Everyone by The National
find all shared songs here.
thank you for reading, and see you next week <3
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