getting older v/s growing up
becoming v/s unbecoming
this week’s Thought (singular)
what makes a home? is it familiarity, comfort, the people, the surroundings, or some secret fifth sixth seventh thing?
a very warm welcome to all new readers. i love new readers so much that whenever i get an email about a new reader, i manifest that they get new hair conditioner that makes their hair very soft. thank you for joining us. may you be stunned at the featherlike texture.
a very warm welcome to old readers as well. may good sense continue to prevail.
Before We Begin
@figuringitoutwanisha on instagram did the loveliest vlog adaptation of how to slow down time, a beloved thodi edition from last june. find the reel here, and check out the rest of her account for more relatable early 20’s ruminations.
hi
hi!! it’s lovely to be back in my drafts, back to staring at a blinking cursor on my screen, alternating between placidly waiting for inspiration to locate me and leaping up and down trying to snatch stars. i believe i owe you an apology for disappearing off the surface of your inbox so unceremoniously for the last three weeks. apologies. some kittens for your troubles -
reader, i confess i have not felt entirely satisfied with everything i have written for the last four months. this is obviously very terrible. i wasn’t able to centre myself enough to introspect and slow down enough to observe – both necessities for a ‘good’ thodi. hopefully, as a terribly hectic phase comes to a close, i will be able to do justice to the process once again. onward!
these are what i’ve been thinking about lately -
everything is changing and so am i. i am not the person i was four months ago and i hadn’t realised that something was being modified. if i think about it for too long, i begin to feel unmoored. everything is different, and so am i, and i am trying to make these differences align. it’s a heavy business.
it’s odd to not be plagued by uncertainty. it feels like that’s the only thing i’ve been doing for the last however many years - been plagued by uncertainty. it feels like my hands are free but they’ve forgotten how to do anything but hold on. i’ve spent so much time thinking and writing about finding calmness within storms, that i must now figure out how to find calmness withing relative calm.
at first, when i was struggling to find the time to write a couple of weeks ago, my first instinct was to blame myself. the next was to consider writing shorter pieces, things that ‘wouldn’t take too much time’. but that’s never been the point of this newsletter, and i’m glad i stopped that train of speculation before it could become a full-fledged thought. my mother told me to give myself the time to not write, and to see the joy when i return. i must confess, i am quite joyful hearing the click-clack of the keys and at the clarity of my feelings/thoughts/general personhood that i feel with each paragraph i write. i’m making my peace with taking breaks (or having no alternative) and giving things the time they deserve.
- said this about writing here -
writing helps to set things down so that i can understand it better. it feels like it’s outside of me so that i can find the root of things, and not something i’m consumed with on the inside.
i have nothing to add. i concur. i couldn’t have said it better.
i’ve been catching up on my reading, and it’s so very delightful. i arranged my books on my new shelf and with each novel i set down, i remembered the pleasure of living in a story and time passing as if in a dream when you’re lost in the pages. whenever i feel unmoored, as covered above, i know that this is where i can return.
sometimes i think i have had enough character development. i would like my character to stagnate for a few months, where i don’t have some major, life-changing event or where i have to desperately keep telling myself that this too shall pass when it shows no signs of passing. how much growth can you squeeze into a couple of years? how many more thodi-s about the measurement of growth have i got left in me?
also from #38 is this very critical source -
Most people don’t grow up. It’s too damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That’s the truth of it. They honor their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children, but they don’t grow up. Not really. They get older. But to grow up costs the earth, the earth. It means you take responsibility for the time you take up, for the space you occupy. It’s serious business. And you find out what it costs us to love and to lose, to dare and to fail. And maybe even more, to succeed. What it costs, in truth.
- maya angelou in this interview
i think i am growing up. i think i am growing up more than i am getting older, or my getting older is a consequence of my growing up. or, at the very least, i feel older with every carefully crafted stitch being ripped at the seams, an occurrence which feels like growth.
that’s all for this week. many thoughts, many feelings, many words. i’m glad to be back, and i hope you were also glad to receive the notification of my return.
thank you for reading, and until next time <3
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A Picture!
English Recitation Competition
Today, Victoria Chang (read the full poem here)
Another day went by. Still no feeling. Why is language the only thing I have? I wonder if it’s possible to live by persistence, wanting so badly to remain secured to the body, that his soul left fourteen years before its vessel. When asked when a painting was done, Rothko said, there’s tragedy in every brushstroke.
Furry Bear, A. A. Milne
If I were a bear, And a big bear too, I shouldn’t much care If it froze or snew; I shouldn’t much mind If it snowed or friz— I’d be all fur-lined With a coat like his! For I’d have fur boots and a brown fur wrap, And brown fur knickers and a big fur cap. I’d have a fur muffle-ruff to cover my jaws, And brown fur mittens on my big brown paws. With a big brown furry-down up to my head, I’d sleep all the winter in a big fur bed.
The Lord’s Corner, Tyree Daye (read the full poem here)
I’m trying find where I feel most at home I believe it’s inside me
The Good Side of the Internet
… has been permanently shifted to The Good Side of the Internet. subscribe for many many links at the end of each month, and tell your friends about it :D
this week’s Song
White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes
find all shared songs here.
thank you for reading, and see you next week <3
🥹🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻